The original letter
Dear Father Christmas,
I’m guessing you get a lot of letters at this time of year.
You have this hard-won image (no doubt profitable thanks to Coke and all the other dubious businesses you’ve licensed it to) of some kindly old dude reading letters in his den with a fireplace, milk and cookies, a reindeer or two and Mrs Claus. Like butter wouldn’t bloody melt. You probably have your friends round for dinner before all the madness starts, get pissed and crack the old ‘my wife’s so good she makes father christmas come twice!’ before grabbing your crotch hard and laughing all manly-like.
Well fuck you, Brian (Ha! Bet you don’t tell them that do you).
This is not a most-wanted list from yet another over-indulged, entitled dickhead whose parents offer presents they can’t afford in place of the love, time and attention they do have but won’t give.
I’m writing to you with a serious request – buddy, you have GOT to stop the whole ‘list’ thing. My business is down year on year for too long to remember now. It’s especially bad in the under 10 age group. You’re killing me here, bro. While they come to you asking for all kinds of material distractions, promising their parents that their behaviour and grades will improve if only they get a few mass-produced gadgets or toys, a bit of cash, a fucking pet rabbit, I’m sitting here increasingly frustrated and lonely. Put frankly, your cynical commercialism of the values my family business has always held dear to (and for much longer than yours it must be said), has been diluted, cheapened and mocked by you and your irritating fucking elves.
And it gets that little bit harder to convince people that a) the gift thing is a smokescreen, it is only the gifts of non-material things that count, b) the presents my team and I bestow on people last a LOT longer than the stuff you send out and c) that I am available all year round and not just for a couple of weeks when it’s freezing bloody cold outside.
You got help me out here champ. Please don’t make me get my dad involved.
PS Steve says hey and make sure you include USB-C adapters on the new MacBooks. He’s still pissed at Jony for that one.
PPS Big thanks to my buddy James Rhodes for transcribing and getting this letter to you.