Dear Father Christmas,
I do so hope you didn’t take my last few letters the wrong way. When I explained that you were guilty of trespass, elf-sploitation and potential chimney damage, it was really just to try and help. I was sorry to hear the police ended up getting involved.
Essentially, I have been exceptionally splendid this year so rather than my usual request (see below) I was rather hoping for – first, a gold-plated gavel, second, an ermine-lined judge’s robe (in red, perhaps?) and third – perhaps – some sort of excellent hat with a bell on it.
Then, I rather thought we might take to the skies together – I’ll tell you who was naughty and you can deliver the presents accordingly. We can share any mince pies. I was rather thinking I might be called ‘Judge Christmas’ – any thoughts are naturally welcome.
I must conclude by enquiring whether you received my letter of complaint last year only I did not receive a satisfactory reply. As you will no doubt recall, rather than asking for my regular gift (my clerk Michelle purchased the annual ‘Supreme Court Beauties’ Calendar in November as a surprise) I wondered whether you might consider putting anybody who uses the words ‘basically,’ and / or ‘obviously,’ at the start of sentences automatically on the naughty list. Quite frankly I do not think that this would have been asking for much and it would have been a giant step in ridding the world of stupidity. Your letter of reply of 26th December (unsigned) from Mr Elf Off (Customer Services Manager) stating, ‘ Dear Judge Rinder, No. Merry Christmas,’ was clearly unacceptable and I shall therefore expect a full explanation when we meet on the morning of Christmas Eve.